How to help siblings get along: practical tips for parents

Siblings get along best when they see good relationships modelled at home, have plenty of positive time together, and are taught how to solve disagreements with words. Rivalry is normal. What matters is how you respond to it, and whether each child feels noticed in their own right.

You will never remove every argument between brothers and sisters, and you should not try. Those small fallings out are where children practise sharing, negotiating and forgiving. Your job is to give them the skills to handle it and to make sure the good moments outnumber the bad ones.

Below are the steps I see work for families, from the way you speak to each other to how you handle big age gaps and very different personalities.

Model the relationship you want them to have

Children copy what they see far more than what they are told. If the adults in the house speak kindly, apologise when they get it wrong and listen without interrupting, children learn that this is simply how a family behaves.

• Disagree respectfully in front of them. It is fine for children to see adults disagree, as long as they also see it resolved calmly.
• Say sorry out loud. When you snap at someone, own it. It shows that apologising is a strength, not a defeat.
• Notice kindness. When one child helps another, say what you saw: “You waited for your sister to finish. That was thoughtful.”

Create chances for good shared time

Siblings who only meet in the car, at bedtime and in the queue for the bathroom will mostly experience each other at their most tired. Build in time together that is genuinely enjoyable.

• Plan a regular family activity that both children look forward to, such as a walk, a board game evening or cooking together.
• Choose games where they are on the same side rather than against each other, at least some of the time.
• Give them shared jobs with a clear finish line, like setting the table or building a den in the garden.

Teach them how to sort out conflict

Most sibling arguments go wrong because neither child has the words to say what they need. You can teach this like any other skill.

1. Calm down first. Nobody solves anything while shouting. Separate them for a few minutes if needed.
2. Each child says what happened from their side, without being interrupted.
3. Name the feeling. “I felt cross when you took my Lego” is far more useful than “You always ruin everything.”
4. Ask them for a solution. Children are more likely to stick to a plan they came up with themselves.
5. Praise the repair, not just the end of the noise.

Deal with conflict promptly rather than letting it simmer. Let feelings be expressed, even the uncomfortable ones. A child who is allowed to say “I am jealous of him” is much less likely to show it by pinching under the table. Physical aggression or deliberate cruelty, however, needs a clear and immediate boundary.

Encourage teamwork and celebrate together

When siblings see each other’s success as a win for the family rather than a loss for them, rivalry softens. Make a point of celebrating as a team. If one child has a good school report, the other can help choose the celebration pudding. If one has a grading or a match, take the whole family to cheer.

Set the occasional family challenge with a shared reward, such as tidying the playroom in ten minutes or completing a puzzle together. The message is simple: in this house, we are on the same side.

Give each child one-to-one time

A great deal of rivalry is really competition for a parent’s attention. Short, regular one-to-one time with each child takes the heat out of that competition, because they know their turn is coming.

• It does not need to be long. Fifteen focused minutes with no phone can mean more than an afternoon out.
• Let the child choose what you do together.
• Keep it predictable, so it feels like their time rather than a reward that can be taken away.

Handling big age gaps or very different personalities

When there is a big age gap, the older child can feel they are always expected to give way, and the younger one can feel left out. Give the older child some privileges that come with their age, and protect their belongings and space. Involve them as a helper when they want to be, but do not turn them into a full time babysitter.

When personalities clash, perhaps one loud and sporty child and one quiet, thoughtful one, stop expecting them to enjoy everything together. Find one or two things they both like, and let the rest be separate. Respecting differences is a lesson in itself.

Never compare them

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” is one of the fastest ways to build resentment between siblings. Even positive comparisons, such as “You are the clever one”, put children into boxes and set them against each other.

Praise each child for their own effort and their own progress. Measure them against who they were last month, not against each other. When children stop feeling they are in a contest for your approval, they are far freer to like each other.

How martial arts helps with sibling relationships

In our programmes I often see brothers and sisters train in the same building, sometimes in the same session. It gives them a shared language of respect, self-control and teamwork that carries straight home. They bow to their partners, take turns and learn to win and lose with good grace, which is exactly what so many sibling arguments are missing.

It also works the other way. A child who tends to be in the shadow of a confident older sibling can grow in their own right, earning their own belts at their own pace. Our focus on the three Cs, confidence, conduct and concentration, means each child is recognised for their own effort rather than compared with anyone else.

If you would like to see how it feels for your children, families come to us at our club in Motcombe, for Shaftesbury and Gillingham, and in Corsham, near Chippenham. You can book a free taster and try a session together.

Key takeaways

• Model kind, respectful behaviour, because children copy what they see.
• Build in shared time that both children genuinely enjoy.
• Teach a simple, calm routine for sorting out arguments, and deal with conflict promptly.
• Give each child regular one-to-one time to reduce competition for your attention.
• Never compare siblings; praise each child’s own effort and progress.